Sally's Sarcastic Movie Reviews

Sally Reviews Jurassic World

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A QUICK MOVIE REVIEW OF JURASSIC WORLD: By Sally Golan of Social Exposure.

The first Jurassic Park movie blew my mind. I was also in the 3rd grade. So crayons also blew my mind.

But still.

It was epic.

So I decided to check out JURASSIC WORLD last night and here is what I thought.

And no, I am not going to warn you about SPOILERS. If you seriously don’t know what the movie is about then you are too young to be my FB friend.

1) This is the most expensive branded advertisement in the planet. The following narcissistic companies found their way into the film ever so obviously:

Verizon Wireless

Starbucks

Mercedes Benz

Beats By Dre

Samsung

Mercedes Benz – again

Coke

FedEx

Jimmy Buffet’s Margaritaville (WTF)

Mercedes Benz… seriously… again

Pandora Jewelry

Triumph Motorcycles

And fucking Mercedes Benz.

2) Chris Pratt looks like Sam Worthington‘s clone, with just as much emotional gravitas.

3)Wow, Christina Hendricks from Mad Men sure lost a lot of weight. Oh… wait… Wrong redhead.

4)If I were in this movie, I would be THE ABDOMINAL REX. Small, obsessed with bicycle crunches and hungry. Hungry all the time.

5) Does this movie have a script? Here are some of my favorite lines, skillfully crafted by the studio intern:

“Take the kids and go someplace safe.”

“These animals are alive… you know?”

“Hey… Don’t give me that shit!”

and finally:

“Woaaaaahhh.”

I have to say, I am going to forget that I even saw the movie. Not because I am trying to forget it. Because it’s simply forgettable. Like, I don’t even have to try.

And the crowd seemed to agree since a good 10 people kept leaving the theater to “pee”.

This movie gets a MEH and a PFFFF from me.

BUT… I love the Abdominal Rex. So strong. So very very strong.

Sally Reviews Exodus: Gods and Kings

Sally

Sally Golan

December 27, 2014 · Miami Beach, FL ·

Saw the movie EXODUS last night. Here are ten thoughts that ran through my mind during the film:
1) I didn’t know that ancient Egyptians had British accents.
2) wow… everyone has stunning blue eyes. Like, EVERYONE
3) Oh cool this is the part when GOD speaks to Moses. What the fuck is that kid doing here?
4)I wonder how the casting director decided to pick these guys….”OK raise your hand if you were in Avatar, Gladiator or Batman. Ok perfect you’re in”.
5)so many horses. So many pretty horses. I wanna pet the horses.
6)what time is it? fuck me, it’s late. WRAP IT UP!
7)Sigourney Weaver is in this? Why don’t you just stick Samuel Jackson in there too! “too many snakes in a pit”
8)oooohhhh the plagues!!! I love when they kill the babies. That one stays in my head.
9)Christian Bale wears Jewish well.
10)Get that fucking bratty kid out of here.

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